Writer's Blog 4/6

People vary in their exact symptoms/ways of dealing with depression--some find it a private battle, keeping quiet or attempting to make logical connections for what is behind the emotion (at the most frustrating time, nothing at all), while others display (self-promote?) their scars as warnings for others following down self-destructive paths or as cries for help (attention?). I jest in these parenthesis, but must admit more honestly, it's a hard thing to judge--everyone deals with things differently, and if it helps her to write about the experience, then I guess its a good thing. Maybe it just bugs me that she is trying to make herself connected to someone who she didn't even know and that she seems so nonchalant about being depressed, as if its expected of her because of her mom's suicide rather than a very unfortunate paralyzing consequence of such--though then again, maybe I am wrapped up as too many others are in our society's notion that feeling ashamed/reticent to emotionally talk over issues--or maybe I just feel that its more a sign of recovery/healthful moving on, if one is far enough removed time wise from bad events in the past to talk of them as matter-of-fact while not blocking it from ones memory, to say this is what happened, rather than having each memory upset more then necessarily called for/have everything relate back to herself and the problem that caused it--though even as I say that, I feel that undermines the true (though sometimes annoying yet hard to stop) self-obsessed character the disease provokes...

As for audiences, they are placed before finished artwork that represents tortured emotions, not before the artist while he/she was experiencing said emotion/situation. Its easy to over-romanticize 'tortured artists' when they are just thrown one in a bunch of all the same, but more difficult to recognize the downside that may interfere with the artists life of depression.

Another big reason as well is probably that most people have never had a true depressive episode, and its hard to formulate enlightening attitudes on stuff one may have little working knowledge of.
Basically, it comes down to people either trying to relate their responses which are 'reasonable' both in measurements of time and severity to those who lose meaning to what reasonable is, which is probably meant sweetly but doesn't give much comfort to someone who feels like their internally dying, or people taking signs of recovery as a reason to say "I told you, just walk it off", which show distrust in the depressed persons rationality in a way that doesn't lend proper notice to how severe it feels inside (like telling a fucking crippled person to get out of their damned wheelchair before proper physical therapy has been done, and then doubting they ever had an injury after its healed), which serves to have the backwards purpose of making the depressed to feel as that the concept of there being a difference in levels of chemicals in ones head really is in one's head (despite science showing otherwise), and is belittling, OR people walk on eggshells around one, trading an honest opinion for that which is agreeable or over-sugarcoated rather then just to the point yet still polite/non-insulting, which is insulting.

Advice for those who feel suicidal isn't much better-usually filled with "You're not alone. Everyone has problems", which misses the point, since it doesn't have to do with feeling like you're the only one who has problems/other people don't deal with the same things, but rather has to do with feeling like one is the only person unable to cope with problems with relative ease the way the rest of the world seems to--certain things may bounce easily off while others don't, and what's always most surprising to me, it can be the little/more internal things which dig in the bigger issues most--Like if it were just big things going wrong, it might be okay, because that presupposes a higher purpose being attached to life, but the little things/boredom/lack of better meaning for everyday existence makes it like, "Man, why the hell even bother with this bullshit when there's nothing day to day to make life worth living?" Not a denial that everyone has to face this, just a feeling of overwhelmedness that one is not better at facing such and an inability to get over the intense negative emotions that can come with trying. Either that or they say, "Do you want a sin on your soul?" which doesn't help those who already feel like the mental disease has tarnished such anyway.

So, maybe the look-at-us depressed people like Linda Sexton/Nicholas Hughes are needed to counterbalance the quieter ones who may channel sadness into quiet acceptance or more creative ventures--if for no other reason then to bring to light the unintended implications of "normal" peoples responses to depression, which tends to hinge on a few different types of comments [either "Oh, I was sad for a whole two weeks when my pet died, I know exactly what you feel like (though its only appropriate for you to experience the emotions no longer than I did, and my sadness didn't stop me from doing either the things that had to be done nor the things wanted to be completed)" or "Why are you happy/able to talk about things/okay today--aren't you supposed to be depressed?!", as if its something integral to being rather than an effect of unfortunate mental temperment being set off by little or big events, depending on ones genes, and/or, "How are you today?" (*wince waiting for blood to splash in face*). This doesn't really help when people learn of truly tortured artists--attitudes mostly being "Well, I'm glad something came out of that whining".

On the other hand, I'm not for a prozac nation. I think certain suffering is the only way to get to the bottom or renewal of things, that when feelings influence thought things can take on a deeper meaning, and that the product of such. I'm just not sure its a good thing when people don't remember the tragic basis of what leads to change--and that it hurts both inner and outer aspects of ones life, sometimes badly enough that it makes one wonder if its worth the amount of turmoil that ones life can turn into just for a fucking piece of art. Its hard not to wish for more practical skills sometime, because while depression most certainly is not limited to artists, at least with practical skills one could throw themselves into a work that paid regularly based on productivity rather than subjectively received creative efforts, but on the other hand, when we do live in an increasingly doped up on prescription pills that will give everyone cancer nation, its also hard to want to have deepness/trueness of emotional reaction to be drugged out so one's nothing more than a robot--and even more frustrating when one doesn't even have that option, due to allergic, physical or other reactions to many drugs out there.

I guess the solution is--one can enjoy tortured art, but its disrespectful to forget--the artist really can get hurt in it.